Oh beautiful dreamer, your head in the clouds, loving on the stars, and leaving regret on the earth below. With and imagination stimulated by blissful thought
I ought to remind you of your obligation- but there you go, soaring deeper in that world of your own creation
Oh dreamer, your toes have left the ground
Please don't go too far, you won’t come down
A little slower now dreamer
Don't leave me behind
If only I was tall enough to join you in your mind
I'm so sorry dreamer I guess this is goodbye
My feet are too planted and you're already above the sky
You better leap off the that moon dreamer the world is moving fast
Your bubble's gonna burst soon and that dream of yours won't last
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140,275 Literary Works • 673,078 Reviews
Hello, hello! Ok, before I begin. I really really love your profile picture! It's so cute, reminds me of Tortoro! Anyways, back to the review!
The first line doesn't seem to fit how you have the rest of the poem structured. Try and fix that by matching it with how you have the rest of the things. Otherwise, I liked it! The descriptions are intriguing and lead onto the other lines quite well.
I love the line about allowing your toes to not leave the ground. The whole least part really, it hits a soft spot of mine. It makes me want to cry, to be honest. I can get so lost in my head sometimes... it's hard to remember that people care or that there are people who are trying to disrupt whats going on in your life.
It is nice to daydream, to have a place to go though. I really like this poem, I really did. Good work!
- Cow
Hello F. Lockers! I thought I'd drop by to review your poem!
First of all, welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy your time on the site!
Formatting wise, I don't mind that you've taken a more prose-like approach to the opening lines - however, I do feel like you should keep the rest of the poem in that style, or else edit the first two lines to be the same length of the following lines. You could easily divide them, for example,
could become:
I'd also recommend adding some punctuation, especially periods, to the poem. This is a stylistic choice, however because you've chosen to capitalize the beginning of each line, I think it would make sense to use punctuation, as well. You also start the poem using a period
So it just feels like the rest of the poem should follow suit.
For example, if we take the middle part of the poem and add some punctuation, it would look something like this -
Of course you could choose to punctuate it differently, that's just one way to do so.
You use some really lovely rhyming in this poem! It gives it a sort of floaty feel that complements the subject of the poem really sweetly. I especially love the lines
Both because of the rhyming, and also the interesting imagery you use - "if only I was tall enough to join you in your mind" is such an intriguing way of describing that!
Also, one teeny tiny grammar typo -
"Your" should be "you're", since it means "you are".
Overall, this is a really well-written poem! You've got some really nice flow, some really lovely imagery, and it was a really enjoyable read! I hope to read more of your poetry in the future
I hope this review is helpful, if anything I said is confusing feel free to ask for some clarification.
Keep writing!
whatchamacallit
Hello there, F.lockers!
Here's my Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo of critique:
I'm no fairy godmother but I saw you requesting for a review so wish granted
Let me point out the positives first. When you said
I felt the emotion of the narrator -- who longs and pleads to reach the one he/she admires.
Also, I like the bidding farewell part. In spite of the narrator's reluctance, he/she had no choice but to give up; it was an act of acceptance. I'd like it if you focus on that more because it has a powerful message. Also, I resonate with this part of the poem the most <3.
With that said, I have a few issues with your poem:
These lines are chunky compared to the rest of the poem. You can easily divide this into two - three lines or you can follow that same format throughout the poem. People might say that it'll turn into prose but I don't think so. As long as you know the fine line between prose and poetry, you can write it.
You can take notes from this prose-y poem: Should You Turn Finally to Face Me by Noah Baldino
Do you mean above the clouds? I'm not sure if this is a nitpick but when I think of head in the clouds, it usually evokes confusion. It is closely related to being in a fog or mist because you barely see anything. Furthermore, it doesn't go well with the "loving on the stars." You should choose between the two because the setting clashes.
I don't mean to be harsh but this is also a wee cliche (so sorry). Although it's not necessarily wrong, you should add a new element to this. I suggest looking for a different perspective. What else can we see from this scenario that we've never read before? Is there anything else above those clouds? Why was this dreamer so drawn to it, aside from "soaring deeper in that world of your own creation"? What did he/she find when he soared deeper? And do you mean higher?
Next,
These are dull adjectives that you could add/replace with imagery and description. Fixing this would help intensify your message. For example (assuming this was above the clouds):
the rain could no longer kiss you; where
its lips could not see the world through
your lens and bring you back to me."
and
"If only I was a skyscraper, I'd
grace the cirrus inside your
mind with my little nails."
Third,
I noticed that you've been repeating the same setting (though using different descriptions) that it's somehow off-putting. It's like you're imposing it towards the reader. Also, there are more of this but I've only listed down these two.
Fourth, this is just my take on your ending but it isn't ideal. There was an abrupt shift of tone. The narrator's thoughts of longing and wishing to be with this dreamer covers most parts of the poem then, suddenly, he/she thinks it's risky and warns this dreamer. It's much preferable if you focus on the former feeling -- use, twist, or harness all possible emotions the reader can feel from it.
However, if you want to end it with a warning, I suggest separating that from the first stanza and creating a new one that centres on that. I'd also recommend putting a better transition between the two by perhaps using this question as a guide: how did the narrator realise that staying above the clouds has dire consequences?
Lastly, using the "bubble" imagery was a little inappropriate for the poem. It felt like it was written out of the blue (really sorry) because you were focusing on the clouds, sky, and the horizon in general.
That's all
P.S. Please point out if I was rude and I apologise in advance.
Keep writing!
Hi, welcome to YWS. @mememimer here for the review!
First of all, a very beautiful poem you have brought out. Dreams are our escape from the reality, a safe space that we have created to live life however we want to. These dreams of ours are the relief that we look up to in case we are stressed. They make us happy. The poem conveys that as much as we are looking up to our dreams, we must also look at the feasibility of our dreams because pipe dreams are the cause of discouragements in our lives.Moreover, if we are dreaming to achieve something in our life with all the hard work and determination, then dreams may come true.
"I ought to remind you of your obligation- but there you go, soaring deeper in that world of your own creation
Oh dreamer, your toes have left the ground
Please don't go too far, you won’t come down"
These are the lines that I loved the most. The vocabulary and the structure in the lines are simple yet the way you have brought these words together is amazing.
One thing I found you could correct is that the first two line could give rise to many line, you could have separated them. It would have made easier to read.
"With and imagination stimulated by blissful thought"
I think there's no need of "and" here.
Apart from these changes, I enjoyed the poem! Looking forward to your writings. Keep writing.
Best wishes,
I
What a lovely poem! I think a lot of us writers can resonate with the feeling of our heads too far in the clouds. I love how your poem sort of captures that whimsical-ness and the fun of daydreaming, but it also has the darker lines that reflect the consequences of being too much of a dreamer! I really enjoyed this.